Enjoy

Subject: Big Guy

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What’s wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says," Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" the big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the question everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God!" "I thought you said turn around."

Favorite Sport
Age 
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
38 sex
66 napping

favorite fantasy
17getting to third
25 airplane sex
35menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 swiss maid/nazi love slave

definition of a successful date
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "she didn’t set back my therapy"
48 "I don’t have to meet her kids"
66 "Get home alive"

The male stages of life
Drink
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 maalox

What’s the ideal age to get married
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God replied he will give him a companion and it would be a woman. He told adam this person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked, "what would a woman like cost me?" god said, " An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?" the rest is history.

THE BAR:
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job

1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo are at an International 
Summit meeting in Paris. They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks" L'appertif?" 
All of them answer "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo. "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin. "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. "Le whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH"

There were three men living together in London, a Trinidadian, a Barbadian, and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the trinidadian leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!" the Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Barbadian, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Barbadian go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........" Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. 
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines. But not too much
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss. (JA: how can one know without being untrustworthy?)
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get =3D it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her about it.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What are four words that can ruin a man's ego?
A. "Is it in yet?"
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? >
A. _3.99 a minute.

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I Drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk).."Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of em.

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!" 
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up." Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts – which is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" Calmly Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

Subject: Chauvinistic Jokes
Why did God create woman? 
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. 
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow. 
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her. 
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care. 
What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. 
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. 
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it! 
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman 
Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot. 
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. 
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick 
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. 
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks. 
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. 
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. 
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. 
Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? 'Cos it doesn't need cleaning yet.

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 
4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 
9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 
11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. 

Four guys were telling stories in a bar.
One guy leaves to go to the restroom.
Three guys are left... The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership." 
"Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break,
they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at t he bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F". He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T". She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T.The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T". The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F", T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?" The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. 
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

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