Subject: Things You Will Never Hear A Jamaican Man Say
1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."

Listed below are 15 Things A Woman Can Do For Her Man That Will Also Turn  Her On 

1. Lie in the middle of your dining room table and tell him that dinner is served.
2. Next time he seems too distracted or disinterested in getting busy, get rid of the distraction by dancing nude for him.
3. Tie him to the bedposts or to a chair and have your way with him.
4. Join him in the shower and wash every inch of his body slowly and sensuously and then lick each other dry.

"Penis Tattoos" - Rated R
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his  penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was  fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy  was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel  had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of  the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut  and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" 
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean." 
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob says, "No, what do you mean?" 
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." 
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?" 
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." 
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..." "Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100.00" After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m.. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had wild sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 p.m.. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back." 

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard: "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." 
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" 
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replies "My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she is sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." 
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

The Old Lady And The Dildo A little old lady, well into her eighties, enters an erotic sex parlour. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she hobbles the few yards across the store to the counter, and stands swaying in front of the shop assistant. "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?" she asks in an elderly vibrato. The assistant, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Dildos? 
Yes, we have dildos. We carry many models." So the old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchesss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchessss thththiiickkk?" 
And the assistant responds, "Yes, madam, we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg